The Ace of Spades

the Call of Cthulhu

by Foghorn on December 18, 2013

Good evening.

I wanted to share with you a story about what happened to me yesterday. Use this as a learning tool for your life, and as a warning. Because what happened to me was one of the most intense physical experiences I have ever had.

Before I regale you with my tale, let me introduce you to Lady Irony. Lady Irony visits me from time to time, and when she drops by she always smiles coquettishly. And this visit was to be no different. On my way to work yesterday morning, I happened across a few discarded playing cards scattered near the sidewalk I was walking along. One card was right in the middle of my path. I laughed, and took a pic of it.

Right smack in the middle of the sidewalk. As you know, this card is THE card that is the omen card, the ‘Call of Cthulhu’. Apart from being an omen, I have a few Motorhead tunes on my iphone, ‘the Ace of Spades’ among them.

I continued on to work, now being extremely diligent to avoid any hidden dangers or pitfalls. You see, I knew that Lady Irony had just shown me what was up her sleeve, and I knew she had a plan for me – so I had to be on my guard. The Ace of Spades works in mysterious ways.

Rewind to the night before, and I had treated myself to a delicious dinner. A sumptuous curry prawn dinner. Discount prawns in fact. Heavy on the curry, light on the cooking. Perhaps undercooked a smidgen. And now I’ve just spoiled the whole story, because now you know where this is going.

My day was uneventful, up until about 3:00 PM. The first hand was dealt to me in the form of a profound, deep feeling of warmth, starting in the pit of my belly. At first it was not really anything major – I thought it was just the salad I had had for lunch (delicious raw veggies, including some Mexican Red Peppers and jalapenos). The warmth was not uncomfortable, but definitely noticeable. And then it grew. Not quickly, but over the course of several minutes. I noticed that my whole core and now my legs were starting to get warm, and then it started to get even warmer. Almost like I had ingested a small tube of heat rub. I was not alarmed at all, but I was certainly more aware of this growing sensation.

And then it hit me; the sensation was not unlike what you get when you let your head slip below the water when you are having a hot bath.

OH MY GOD.

I quietly got up and walked to the bathroom. As I moved, I felt the heat begin to move up my body through my chest, and then into my neck and outward to my arms. It moved quickly now, like the venom from a snake bite. The Ace of Spades had arrived.

The men’s room where I work is close to where I sit, about 40 feet away. A quick walk and I was there. However there is only one stall. As luck would have it was empty, so I folded my poker hand and let Lady Irony scoop up all my chips, and stepped into the stall to do God’s work. I shudder to think now what would have happened if the stall had been occupied – I might have had to resort to parking at the urinal. But let’s not explore that.

And what a piece of work it was. It was not violent or sudden, but the second my butt cheeks hit the seat, they became completely numb. Utterly numb. And what then transpired can only be described as the same volume of a warm Mississippi gravy train, with me as Captain in a rubber dinghy bobbing helplessly up and down as the fudge river flowed both beneath and through me. You see my friends, there was no pinching of the brown eye on this one – oh no. My third eye was immediately frozen in the full open setting, and what transpired can only be described as a controlled building demolition. There was no farting, no spray, no explosive gas. It was just pure hot molasses that continued unabated for well over a minute. There was nothing I could have done to stop it. I quite literally had the breath drained from my body. It was like a freight train that had been standing still and had lost it’s brakes on a gentle incline. And once the train starts rolling, not even baby Jesus himself is going to be able to stop it.

The warmth I had felt before now began draining from my body, literally starting from the top of my head, and then down across my shoulders, down my back and through my trunk. The warming sensation that I had had before was now replaced with deep, cold chills. At one point I seriously thought I was going to die. I remember thinking “Dear God, if this is it for me, just let me finish this. Then you can have me, and I promise I will go quietly”.

The shock and awe of my experience now treated me to a sheet lightning slideshow of my life in a possible alternate universe. As the waves of nausea ebbed and flowed over my body, I saw myself first as a young lad with long blonde locks gaily prancing through an open field in my lederhosen, picking a bouquet of wild flowers. Then I was transported violently forward and saw myself as a filthy old transgendered woman with Elephantitis of the nuts, surrounded by a dozen or so greasy alley cats ravaged with syphilis.

When I was done, the feeling of euphoria was, shall I say, simply moving. Not unlike the feeling you get after weeping at a beautiful opera, or after gazing for a period of time into the eye of an awe-inspiring nebula.

The epilogue to this is, of course, the olfactory aftershock. I could tell you that the smell from this aftershock was like a fetid dead hobo, or a slaughterhouse on a hot, humid summer day, or like a feed lot. Or I could tell you that the smell was worse than a rotting festering infection, mixed with rotten egg or skunk. But those descriptors would only be weak lies. Because the truth of the matter was that the smell was like all of those things together. I firmly believe that I damaged the Earth in some way that can never be repaired, or even forgiven for that matter. Perhaps I even damaged the very fabric of space time. The next set of people that entered that bathroom likely had their DNA altered, and now have some new hideous disease for which there is no cure.

Undercooked discount curry prawns – don’t do it. Ever.

Kirk out

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